I Wish I Could Unlove You
by LordByronMudkippington
Summary: Yang keeps going back, and back, to try and fix a mistake. (I'd recommend listening to Undrunk by Fletcher while reading this.)


Yang woke up with a groan, a headache knocking at her temples. She pulled the covers off of her body and stood up, shaking her head in vain to try and clear the fog that had settled on her brain. Last night was a blur, and she was too out of it to try and bother remembering anything about it. "Wha time isit?" she mumbled to herself, staring at her nightstand through half-lidded eyes. The alarm clock was completely dark. She stared at it for a bit longer, wondering if she blinked enough times, she could see what time it was. The clock remained dark.

She stumbled to the window, where the blackout curtains were drawn. Reluctantly, she pulled them open, immediately covering her eyes as the sun rendered her blind. She blinked furiously, trying to allow herself a chance to actually look through the damn window. When she got that chance, she could see the sun was pretty high in the sky. If it wasn't already the afternoon, it was pretty damn close.

Looking down at herself, she was surprised to see that she was extremely lacking in certain elements. To be specific, she was wearing nothing but a pair of bright yellow panties. Where had all her clothes gone, and when had she even taken them off? It probably wasn't a good idea to be standing in front of a window in her birthday suit... She pulled the blinds closed again, her eyes silently thanking her for cutting off that horrid natural light.

"Okay... So I'm in my underwear, and my alarm clock doesn't work..." Her voice was raspy, like she hadn't had water in awhile. Maybe a nice, cool glass of the stuff would give her some clarity. She made her way to the door, but stopped in her tracks when she glanced over at the bed. There was someone else in it. The gloom of the room mostly obscured their identity, but there was definitely a lump of a person on the opposite side of her bed. Had she slept with someone last night?

She tiptoed over to that side of the bed, wanting to see the identity of last night's lover. When she saw who it was, her jaw dropped. Blake was sleeping in her bed, ears lightly twitching before ceasing any motion. She had... She had slept with Blake? It didn't make any sense, at least to her sleep-adled, hungover brain. Then it all hit her at once. She remembered getting plastered at the bar, which wasn't a rare occurrence anymore. There was the call she made in the bathroom to Blake, ignoring her 'DO NOT CALL' note she had under the woman's name. Then she was getting picked up from the bar. She was getting handsy in the car. They had taken it too far. She'd let it go too far...

Pressing two fingers against her temples, she groaned and shut her eyes tightly. Maybe if she gave herself a mental reboot, everything would just go away. Everything would be back to normal. She opened her eyes, and it was all the same. Groaning again, she worried at her lower lip, unable to take her eyes off Blake again. She had gotten a haircut at some point. Now her hair didn't fall into her face when she slept. It was different, but she still looked so peaceful. Yet so different... Not _her _Blake. Not anymore.

She wasn't sure why Blake had taken her call: why she had come to pick her up. It didn't make any sense, and she couldn't remember what they talked about on the phone. Why did she even call Blake in the first place? Even in her most drunken of stupors, she had refused to dial that number. Oh, she had called plenty of people while half-passed out at the bar: sometimes numbers that she definitely shouldn't have called. Never Blake, though. Not until now.

Sighing, she ran a hand through her hair, feeling how mussed up it was. There were tangles all over, making it known that she hadn't showered. She needed to take one, but she also needed to take some pills for her headache, which was only increasing in pain. On top of that, she needed to figure out what the hell she was going to do with Blake, who was still sleeping. What was she going to say when she woke up? Blake probably remembered everything that had happened, but would she want to talk about it? Maybe it was best if they just didn't speak about it.

"Ugh..." This was so frustrating. Why couldn't she just get over her? Why did she have to get drunk like a fucking idiot and _sleep _with her, of all people? She slapped her forehead, wincing at the pain it brought. It was well-deserved, though. She was stupid: she was so fucking stupid. Turning away from the bed, she quietly went for the door, freezing at the creaking of the hinges when she tried to open it. She slowly looked over her shoulder, but Blake hadn't moved. Sighing, she pulled the door open a bit more and slipped out. She just... She just needed to get away: to figure out how to fix this.

* * *

She was in the bar, being shoved around by various people on the dance floor. How did she even get there? She must've had too much to drink. Standing between a dancing couple, she tried to count how many drinks she'd had on her fingers, but only got to five before the couple shoved her out of the way. The dude was giving her a dirty look, so she flipped him off and nearly tripped over her own feet. Wow, was she... Ruby or something?

Stumbling across the room, she saw a girl leaning against the wall with wild-looking hair. It was orange and worked into some sort of thick twin antennae, with blue streaks down her bangs. She wasn't sure what she was thinking, and in fact she was clearly not thinking at all, but she walked over towards the girl. Well, 'walking' was maybe an overstatement. She was halfway to falling flat on her face by the time she had made it over there.

"Hey there." Her voice sounded surprisingly strong in her ears. Maybe she was just bullshitting herself, but it didn't _sound _like she was all that drunk. "You here alone, hot stuff?" She put a palm flat against the wall, right next to the girl's head. The girl smirked up at her, seemingly not intimidated by having a tall, drunk girl come over to her with no provocation.

"I am." She kept smirking, meeting Yang's glassy eyes with her own. "Are _you_?" That made Yang falter. She opened her mouth, then closed it, her lips curling down in a frown. Her fingers tapped against the wall for a bit too long. The girl rolled her eyes and stepped to the side, away from Yang. "I don't play that way, blondie."

"Woah woah, wait!" She reached out and grabbed the girl's arm before she could leave. "I'm here alone, okay?" That wasn't a lie. She _was _there alone. It was just that the reasons for her being there alone made her stomach churn. "It's just... It's a long story, okay?" She ran her fingers through her hair, sighing as she stared down at the girl. The lights were blinking in and out of existence, making it difficult for her to keep track of the girl. Without a hand on her, she might've lost her standing still.

"Uh huh..." The girl clicked her tongue, crossing her arms. "I don't come to bars to listen to pretty girls' life stories, ya know?" She tapped her foot on the ground, pulling her arm out of Yang's grasp. "If you wanna talk to someone, I'm sure there's some loser nice guy at the bar who would love to hear alll about it." Hearing that sass from a complete stranger made Yang mad, but what _didn't _make her mad anymore? Worse, those words were challenging in her ears: it emboldened her.

"I don't wanna talk," she growled, shoving the girl against the wall. She pinned her arms against it with her strong hands, bending down to kiss her ferociously. The girl proceeded to kiss her back, holding no hesitation despite Yang's rude introduction. The two of them made out against the wall, Yang repeatedly shoving her hips against her's. Their tongues danced against one another as Yang let her hands fall down to the girl's hips. That allowed her hands to wrap around Yang's back.

They kissed until neither of them could breathe, which was when the girl finally pushed her away. "Alright blondie, you wanna come back to my place or what?" Well, that was an invitation if she'd ever heard one. She was about to say yes, but her voice faltered. Suddenly, panic overtook her. She had just made out with a complete stranger, and was about to go with them to their place. Sex was a given. Was that really what she wanted to do? When Blake was still on her mind?

"I, uh..." She stumbled over her words, taking several steps back. "I can't..." The girl's eyes narrowed, staring her down.

"What do you mean you can't?"

"I... I've got..." She didn't know what to say. How was she supposed to explain to some stranger at the bar that she was holding onto someone's memory and that she really wanted to do her to chase that memory away, but it was making it really hard for her to do that? She couldn't, and the girl wasn't interested in waiting for her to try and gather her bearings.

"Yeah, I figured as much." She rolled her eyes, stepping away from Yang again. "Here's a tip: don't go chasing random girls in bars when you've already got someone, 'kay?" She started to walk away, with Yang staring after her with wide eyes.

"No, I'm... I'm not! I'm not!" Yang yelled after her, getting the attention of several barflies, but the girl was already disappearing into the crowd. She didn't turn back. Yang groaned and slapped her forehead, slumping against the wall. Wow, she'd really blown it, hadn't she? That was spectacularly awful. She was pretty sure that was Jaune level of awkwardness. Ugh, all she'd had to do was say yes, and she'd be out of the bar and on her way to get laid.

The thought of Blake had stopped her, though. They weren't together anymore, but she still couldn't do much more than kiss people before thinking that she'd gone too far. What was the point of that stupid line of thinking? She was _single_, and was that her fault? No! Well, it kind of was... Ugh, she hated this. She hated this, she hated Blake, and she sure as shit hated herself. Why couldn't relationships be simple? Ruby seemed to be doing fine in hers. Same with Pyrrha. Why was it just her that had so much trouble?

They were constantly on again, off again. Neither of them seemed able to commit to each other, yet they couldn't stay away either. She'd wanted so badly to just go out and forget about Blake for one night: just one god damn night, but she couldn't. Her image invaded her every moment, and left her just short of an enjoyable night with some random chick. This... This fucking sucked. Honestly? She was going to call Blake and give her a piece of her mind.

The bathroom was more difficult to reach than usual. Probably because she was drunk off her ass. She pushed the door open and nearly ran into three girls trying to exit. They all gave her dirty looks, but she was used to it by now. She just waved it off and practically threw herself into a stall. Her hands weren't dexterous enough to lock it, so she didn't even bother trying. It was worse trying to dial Blake's number. She nearly dropped her phone in the toilet just taking it out of her pocket.

When she finally got to Blake's number, she was greeted with the words "DO NOT CALL". She frowned at it, knowing that she had a damn good reason for writing that down. It was just too tempting to ignore the warning, though. She needed to call Blake, to tell her that she was ruining her life by being too... too _her_. Why couldn't things have just worked out? Why did she have to be stuck in a bathroom stall about to bare her soul to someone she shouldn't ever talk to again?

"No..." Her finger hovered over the button to call, but she resisted. It wasn't a good idea. What would she gain from yelling at Blake anyway? She'd just burst into tears because her stupid emotional self could never keep her emotions in check. That had always been a problem. Doing it again... It was just going to make things worse. Not only for herself, but for Blake too. Did she really deserve that, even if the two weren't on speaking terms? Probably not.

She put her phone back in her pocket and exited the stall, going to the sink to splash some cold water in her face. It didn't do anything but get the top of her shirt wet, so that was fun. She looked at herself in the mirror, watching her reflection spin around in her dizzy vision. This was the life she was leading now. What an embarrassment. If her dad knew, he'd be so disappointed...

If she could just push Blake out of her mind for one day, maybe she could turn things around. How difficult would it be to not spend nights trawling bars, looking for any way to forget the past ten years? It sounded easy, but at the same time it was incredibly daunting. She had to try, though. Gripping the sink, she glared at her reflection.

"Fix yourself, you dumb, drunk bitch." She decided to slap her reflection, which led to her cradling her hand right after it made contact with the glass. Well, she was going to have to work harder on the 'not being dumb' bit. Her shoulders slumped as she turned away from her reflection, not wanting to see the self-pity swimming in her eyes anymore. Deciding that she needed to get out of there, even if it meant walking all the way home, she pushed open the bathroom door.

* * *

She was in her room, lying down on her bed with her pants and underwear down around her ankles. One hand was between her legs, her fingers doing their thing inside of her. With the other hand, she was scrolling through some pictures in her phone's camera reel. She huffed and bit down on her lip as she stared at old pictures of Blake in little to no clothing. Her fingers curled as she got to a particularly nice shot: Blake completely naked, just using Gambol Shroud to cover herself up. She whimpered out loud, bucking her hips against her fingers.

Nobody needed to tell her this was wrong: she was all too aware of it. She and Blake were 'taking a break'. They took a lot of breaks lately. At this point, she felt that the best thing to do was to move on and find someone new, but she couldn't. Whenever she tried, Blake would invade her mind and destroy her momentum. It took every ounce of her being to not call Blake and beg for them to get back together. She wouldn't do it. She at least had _some _shred of dignity left.

That dignity was being tested with her masturbating to pictures of her ex. She had told herself to delete them, since having reminders of a relationship she wanted to forget wasn't the greatest plan she'd ever had. They were still in her phone, though, easily available for her to stare at while shamefully pleasuring herself. She wanted to stop: to just shut off her phone and pull her hand out from between her legs, but she couldn't. It felt too good in the worst way.

She came to the thought of Blake being in her bed, crawling towards her with that seductive look in her eye that she always loved. Her soft hands caressing her thighs, gently spreading her legs before diving in. She bit down hard on her lip and shut her eyes, whimpering like a pathetic mongrel as she finished all over her fingers. The taste of blood seeped onto her tongue, and she had nobody to blame but herself.

Her hand fell slack onto the bed, leaving that naughty picture of Blake face up. She glanced down at it, feeling nothing but pure shame as she came down from the incredible high. Turning off her phone's screen, she laid back and stared up, licking the blood from her lower lip. She felt wet and ashamed, not even caring that her soaked fingers were now touching her sheets.

It was so stupid. Hadn't she been the one who acted like a free spirit when she got to Beacon, thinking of all the different people that she could hook up with? Then she met Blake, and everything changed. Now nothing could replace her: the way she smelled, tasted... the way she smiled like everything in the world would be alright. That smile was gone now, and it felt as if the sun inside her had been extinguished along with it.

She sighed and grabbed a hand towel from her nightstand, cleaning herself off. Though the wetness dried off, the stains remained on the inside. She felt low and completely miserable. Lying in bed wasn't helping: it just made her feel more depressed. Maybe it would be better if she went out somewhere. She could go down to the bar and grab a drink or five. Maybe she'd meet someone who could take her mind off of Blake for a few hours. Yeah, that sounded good.

Though her spirit wasn't in the mood for something as major as moving, she rolled off the bed with only _some _grumbling. Her pants and underwear had fallen off her ankles while she attempted to get on her feet, but she decided to leave them be. She should change into something different if she was going to go out. Heading into her closet, she pulled off the rest of her clothes and grabbed something a bit more _in_appropriate. She wanted to appear sexy and ready, but without being too needy. They didn't need to know that terrible truth.

In the end, she went with a yellow top and black shorts: a usual outfit, but that just made it a classic. She threw a brown bomber jacket over her shoulders, pocketing her phone, keys, and wallet within its spacious pockets. Looking at herself in the mirror, she tried to put on a smile and throw up dual finger guns. It made her laugh, but only because of how hollow it felt. She was not in a finger gun kind of mood.

Trying to push her worries to the side, she headed for the front door. However, her hand froze on the doorknob, refusing to twist it and let her out. She was no longer sure that going out and trying to drink her problems away was a good idea. Well, what a brilliant discovery, huh? Okay, well she'd always known it wasn't a good idea, but she still did it anyway. This time, though, not only was she thinking about how it wasn't a good idea, she was no longer feeling like actually doing it. That was new.

She wasn't a stranger to the bottle. Even when things were going _well _with Blake, she often had a few too many. It was a habit that was a real bitch to kick, and it had only spiraled further out of control once they had broken up. She was used to going to the bar multiple times a week, but now she was drinking at home. _Alone_. At some point in her life, she had gone from the life of the party to Weiss's mom. That wasn't the person she wanted to be.

Slowly she took her hand off the knob, staring at it for a good ten seconds. Then she shoved both her hands in her pockets and sighed, feeling the thick leather of her wallet pressing against her skin. Why did she even bring the thing? All she needed was her ID. Lots of people bought her drinks, always trying to get lucky with her. They'd done it in front of Blake, no less. She'd let some of them get close lately, but she always backed away. Something always held her back. _Blake _held her back.

Shaking her head, she made herself walk away from the door. There were better ways to get over a lost love. Going out looking for trouble wasn't the way to do it. It was bad enough that she'd feel like shit in the morning, trying to remember what random person she took to bed that night. It was bad enough to think about how disappointed Ruby would be in her for acting like that. What was worse is that she wouldn't be able to look at herself in the mirror.

She couldn't go out now. That wasn't the person she wanted to face in the morning. There had to be another way... Letting out a shaky breath, she went back to her room, opening the door and stepping inside.

* * *

Had there ever been a point in her life where she was more nervous? Probably not. Her stomach had never been in such a tight knot before. It was making it tough to breathe. She felt like she had to gasp for breath just to avoid turning blue, and the worst part was that she was being watched. Blake was standing in front of her, looking nervous and maybe a little uncomfortable. How close were their feelings tied in that moment? She was the entire reason Yang was feeling this way.

"Hey, uh, Blake? I, uh... wanted to tell you something..." This wasn't like her. She was _never _at a loss for words around a girl, especially not when they were a friend. It was getting to the point where they were more than friends, though. They had gotten closer than she had been with anyone outside of her family. She felt differently about Blake: more than any other person in her life. This wasn't something she wanted to stay silent about, but she was struggling with what to say. It was unfamiliar, and she didn't like it.

"I could tell." Blake looked as impassive as always, but Yang could tell that there was more going on behind the scenes. She could see the way her eyes were twitching back and forth, like she was looking for an escape route. It made her stomach roil worse than before. She didn't want to think that Blake was trying to run, especially when she hadn't gotten a chance to say what she wanted to say. If she didn't do something, she was going to lose her chance.

"I'm serious! It's... It's really important." She rubbed her hands together, finding it hard to stand still. In that moment, she could see why Ruby had such a tough time doing it. She'd always wondered why her sister was always moving around like her boots were on fire, but it suddenly felt impossible to _not_ move. It made her want to turn around and run for the hills, but she'd already worked so hard to gather up the courage to tell Blake how she felt. Running away would ruin everything she had been building towards.

"Okay, I'm listening." Blake bit down on her lower lip, her ears twitching. At least they weren't flat on her head. That was always a telltale sign that she wasn't in a good mood. She could do this, then. All she had to do was say how she really felt, and hopefully things went well. Maybe she would be rejected, but... but no, she couldn't think like that. The two of them had been through so much together. Why would Blake reject her? That just didn't make any sense. They were perfect for each other!

Were they, though? It felt like she was hit with a bolt of lightning: a moment of clarity: Were they, though? The two of them were complete opposites: while she was a flirtatious, outgoing type of girl, Blake was more shuttered. She tended to stay inside, and when she was outside she tended to sidestep conversation. It was a wonder they even got along, but they did. They really did. Shouldn't that be enough?

Should it, though? They were still young, and they were coming out of a very traumatizing time. All that business with Salem... It felt right to ask Blake to be with her, since life wasn't something she ever wanted to take for granted again. At the same time, was what had happened making her rush into this? They were close to each other: very close, but it was almost all through the lens of battle. Could they survive together in a more peaceful society? Would the lack of battle make them grow complacent? _Stale_? Was she even ready for a tied-down relationship, when she had spent her whole young life as a free spirit?

She could hear her own voice screaming in her mind to stop herself. Somehow, she just _knew _this was going to end badly. If things didn't work out, not only would she end up alone, but she'd lose the best friend she'd ever had. Was this really a risk worth taking? Something was going to go wrong. She could just feel it in her soul. This was the moment she needed to just back off: to say she wanted to say anything else but what she was about to say.

"I... I have feelings for you, Blake. Strong feelings. I... I love you." Despite all the alarms blaring in her head, she couldn't stop herself. The words she didn't want to say came forth, and there was no taking them back. Blake was staring at her with wide eyes, as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing. Unfortunately, she could believe it all too well.

"You... You love me?" Blake's expression faded from surprise back into its normal placid state, but then she started to smile. "Wow, uh... I... Well, I like you too... I mean, I... I _love _you too." Yang started to cry, because she had been hoping against hope that Blake wouldn't say that. If she had just denied her, but said they could still be friends, that would be the best case scenario. All the pain that was to follow... It could've been avoided. But no: she just had to open her big, fat mouth and say what she really shouldn't have said.

She stepped forward, wrapping Blake into her embrace. Blake laid her head on her shoulder, sighing quietly. At least in this position, she couldn't see Yang crying anymore. All the hurt and disasters that were going to happen flashed across her mind, but she couldn't stop them. Even knowing that, she couldn't make herself say anything else. The truth came spilling out, and there was nothing she could to plug it up.

In the end, at the beginning, she couldn't make herself say the truth that hid itself behind her lips. Never to be spoken out loud. "I wish I could unlove you..."


End file.
